


Every one leaves a mark

by Cause_fanfiction



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftercare, Angst, Canon Era, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 22:42:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11023116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cause_fanfiction/pseuds/Cause_fanfiction
Summary: Levi becomes concerned about Erwin's strange behaviour and decides to keep an eye on him. It's only until he's up late one night that he actual finds out the true depth of Erwin's self hate.





	Every one leaves a mark

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!  
> I'm going to put that right there so that no one gets hurt because of this. You can probably guess what that warnings for because of the tags so just be careful when you read this if you think this will affect you.  
> Anyway now that's out of the way I just wanted to say hello! Welcome to this short little fic. This will only have one part but I've got lots of other stuff planned to come out in the future. This story line has been in my mind for a long while and I've been struggling on how to make it perfect but I think I've done pretty well with this and I'm very happy. I hope you enjoy it too.

Sweat beaded on Levi’s forehead. He stood over the newest recruits watching them struggle to do push ups in the baking heat. He hadn’t even bothered to put all of his uniform on that morning, just a shirt and his cravat but by midday those went too, leaving him in just an undershirt. Levi barked orders at the recruits when they slowed down, he knew it was cruel making them work like this but one day they might have to do an expedition in this heat so they may as well get used to it. Movement across the field caught his eye. He turned his head to see who it was. It surprised him to see it was Erwin coming to sit under a tree on the edge of the training field, he had papers, a quill and a pot of ink with him. “Keep going.” Levi said to the cadets and he turned to see what Erwin was doing. As Levi approached Erwin, he noticed that the commander had all of his uniform on and everything was worn correctly, from the top button of his shirt being done up and his sleeve weren’t rolled up. “What are you doing out here?” Levi asked conversationally.  
“It’s too hot in my office, I thought it might be better in the shade of this tree.” Erwin replied without looking up at Levi.  
“Right because that makes sense. Why don’t you just take some of your uniform off? You let the recruits wear bare minimal in this heat, why don’t you take some of your own advice?” Levi asked.  
“Because I don’t want to.” Erwin raised his voice ever so slightly. He then mumbled something that Levi didn’t hear and Levi chose not to comment on it.  
“Whatever, just don’t go passing out on me. I’m not hauling your big ass inside because you’re acting funny.” Levi said walking away from Erwin. He’d noticed lately that the commander was slightly off, it happened often after they’d been on an expedition. Levi guessed it was because of the deaths they suffered every time they went outside the walls, it probably weighed heavily on the Commander’s mind. But for some reason this time seemed different, worse. He made a mental note to himself to keep an eye on him, it wasn’t unusual for Erwin to start mistreating himself because of his work. He allowed the recruits to relax and he made his way inside hoping he hadn’t got burnt under the sun’s heat.

Over the next couple of days Levi kept an eye on Erwin and other than him being a little more withdrawn than usual he didn’t seem to be letting himself get sick. It was normal to only see the Commander in the mess hall at breakfast, he seem to be able to function without two or three meals a day. Levi had almost stopped paying attention. However, he came across something one night that made his worrying vital. It was one of those nights where he was physically unable to go to sleep. He’d woken up late in the night and after hours of him sitting trying to get back to sleep he gave up and got up. He was strolling quietly down the halls of the offices barracks when an idea struck him. He had thought at the time how ludicrous it was but it ended up proving him wrong. He turned on his heels and made his way further into the barracks. His feet took him to the quarters of the Commander on a whim that he might be awake. Erwin was known for working late into the next morning but Levi had thought that because Erwin’s been in such a down mood he might have been sleeping more. But alas, there was light pushing its way under Erwin’s door. Levi stood there for a long time, listening. Maybe Erwin had forgotten to blow out his candle and was actually asleep. He was proved wrong again when a shuffling of papers could be heard from inside. Levi frown. _That stupid man doesn’t know what’s good for him, does he?_ Levi thought to himself. There was no need to knock and still to this day Levi wasn’t sure if he would have been better off if he had or not. He grabbed the handle and pushed the door wide open.

It had shocked him, not the sight of his Commander inside but the confusion of feelings he felt upon seeing him. He still doesn’t know what he should have felt. Anger? Pity? Sadness? He acted on impulse as he usually did when he faced something that he didn’t know how to handle. Levi slammed the door shut behind him so hard the flame beside Erwin flicked violently. He advanced on Erwin’s stunned form before he could do anything about it. Levi’s hand grabbed Erwin’s wrist and he thoroughly took in what he was seeing. Many deep red cuts were lined up across Erwin’s forearm. They sat on top hundreds of paler pink scars. Erwin straight razor was still held tightly in his fist. Erwin’s other hand was held close to his chest, wrapped in a thin towel. Levi grabbed it. He pulled away the cloth and revealed more bleeding cuts. Erwin wouldn’t meet Levi’s eye when he looked up, his head stayed hung. Levi looked around himself and he noticed the papers beside Erwin on the bed. He snatched up the papers and read them. His eyes slipped closed and he dropped the papers back on the bed. Rage consumed him and he ripped the blade from Erwin’s hand and through it across the room. He grabbed Erwin’s jaw, forcing the man to look at him. Tears threatened to fall from Erwin’s eyes when he finally looked upon his Captain. They stared at each other silently, Levi not knowing how to make the feelings that ran wild in his head into sentences. He frowned deeper and lifted his hand, his palm struck Erwin’s face with such force it whipped the mans to the side. The fury bled out of Levi after that. “Please tell me…” Levi started, he tried to collect his thought to make even one straight sentence. “Please tell me you don’t do this after every expedition. Please Erwin.”  
Erwin was silent for a moment, probably choosing the correct words, “I’d be lying if I said that.” Levi’s jaw tightened at that answer.  
“Where are the rest then?” He asked, feeling the anger bubble inside him again, “That’s not enough for all of them. Where are they?” Levi pulled Erwin to his feet. “Show me!” He said harshly. Erwin looked away from him and slowly reached for his belt buckle. He pulled the leather free and unbuttoned his pants. Erwin faltered for a moment before he pushed the material down his legs. Levi shook his head when he saw the scars that littered Erwin’s thighs. Erwin then pushed the rim of his boxers down as well, revealing more across his hips and stomach. “Fuck.” Levi said weakly, “So this is for every single dead or missing solider since...?”  
“Since the first expedition I lead.” Erwin’s voice was small when he spoke. Levi finally dropped Erwin’s wrist. He stood looking at the ground, the confusion of feelings making his next move unsure. “Stay here.” Levi said, “Don’t you dare move.” Levi locked eyes with Erwin for a moment. He turned, snatching up the death reports and Erwin’s razor as he left the room.

He returned as quickly as he could, his arms full of medical items. Erwin was in fact exactly where Levi had left him, he was numbly running his thumb over the rough marks on his body. Levi put the stuff he was carrying on Erwin’s desk. He looked over to the Commander, still Erwin wouldn’t meet his eye. Levi sighed and he slowly walked back to Erwin. This time he carefully took hold of Erwin’s hand and lead him to his chair. He gestured for Erwin to sit. Levi knelt down in front of Erwin and he gently removed the Commander’s boots and trousers. Levi stood slowly to collect the bowl of water he’d brought with him. He poured some rubbing alcohol into the water. “This is going to hurt. Just be thankful I’m not cruel enough to just pour it straight onto you.” Levi said quietly, trying to sound as soft as possible. He was angry but he wasn’t quite sure why. Erwin didn’t reply to Levi which Levi couldn’t decide if he was grateful for or not. Levi held out his hand and Erwin willingly gave him his wrist. Levi wrung out the cloth as much as he could before pressing it against Erwin’s still bleeding wrist. He heard Erwin hiss softly. The water slowly turned red as Levi wiped down all of Erwin’s scars. Levi wrapped Erwin’s wrists in bandages once he’d dried them, the other ones on his body were quite old so they didn’t need to be bandaged. “You’re going to stop doing this.” Levi told Erwin.  
“It’s not something you can just stop, Levi.” Erwin replied.  
“Well, tough. I’m not a having you do this to yourself anymore.” Levi snapped. From the fire that lit Levi’s eyes Erwin knew not to argue. “I started when my father died. It was originally a punishment for what I said and what I caused. I stopped though when I joined the military because I had something to occupy my mind. I guess when I started again it was also a punishment for the number of soldiers I’d sent to their deaths… but now I don’t know if the reason’s the same. Maybe, it’s just a way to let go now, I don’t know.” Erwin admitted. He looked ashamed at what he was saying and Levi could imagine why, he was showing his weakest side to his strongest soldier. “That still isn’t an excuse. I know you had a shit childhood but look at who you are now. What’s killing yourself going to do for the people that respect you and follow you. You’d make history that’s for sure, the only Commander who was killed by himself inside the walls in the safety of his own quarters. I never imagined you dying like that, you’re going to die an honourable death outside the walls either whilst fighting titans or living a peaceful life by that salt water you love talking about.” Levi snapped. Those tears had welled up in Erwin’s eyes again. Levi softened at that sight. “You don’t need to be strong all the time, you’re allowed to break. Everyone does, but everyone has coping methods too. Hanji buries herself in her work, Moblit drinks, Mike works out, I smoke. You just need to find something that stops you from thinking these destructive thoughts.” Levi took hold of Erwin’s cheek, making him look at him.  
“I do have something that stops me.” Erwin said, closing his eyes as a tear slips down his cheek.  
“Why don’t you use it then?” Levi instinctively wiped the tear away.  
“Because you’re not always around.” Erwin opened his eyes again, letting the subtly message sink into Levi. Once realisation crossed Levi’s face he continued, “Whenever you’re around it’s like my problems don’t exist anymore. When we talk late at night and we talk about… well anything I feel like you understand me deeper than just a friend should. I don’t understand why I feel this way towards you but I understand that it’s you that stops me from doing this to myself, everytime I beat myself up for doing it because I always think 'What would Levi do if he found out about this?'” Erwin said, his voice breaking occasionally.

Levi sat silently after that. He thought deeply about what Erwin had told him. The longer he sat the more Erwin started to regret what he’d said, thinking that maybe he’d stepped over the line admitting his feelings for Levi. “Levi, I don’t mean that in a weird way. I just… it’s true, but I don’t want you to think of me any differently-” Erwin cut himself off when Levi raised his hand.  
“Stop. I don’t give a shit about what, what you’ve just said might imply because honestly, I care about you too much to care about how deep your feeling for me are. As long as you’re safe and alive I don’t care. I will do anything to make sure you’re safe… even if it means doing more intimate things with you.” Levi said shyly. Erwin was dumbfounded at what Levi had said to him. “Don’t say anything just go to bed. I’ll get rid of this stuff and then I’ll come and join you.” Levi said quickly, he stood and collect up all the equipment he’d brought in. Levi waited at the door until Erwin stood before he left.

Erwin was just pulling his shirt over his head when Levi returned. Levi silently moved to the other side of the bed to undress himself. He kept his trousers and undershirt on as he normally would. Without a word, Levi slipped into Erwin’s bed next to the Commander. They lay next to each other for a long time. Levi looked over to Erwin in the darkness, he could just see him fiddling with his bandages. Levi sighed thinking he may as well just suck it up and give Erwin what he wanted. Levi took hold of Erwin’s arm and lifted it so he could slide underneath it. Levi put Erwin’s hand back down on his hip. He repositioned himself until he had his head comfortably resting on Erwin’s chest. He felt Erwin hesitantly press his lips to the top of Levi’s head. Impulsively, he sat up a little so he could look down on Erwin; slowly he lent down and touched his lips to Erwin’s. Levi didn’t have much experience with another person so he let Erwin lead. He moved his lips with Erwin’s. Erwin’s hands ran up his sides and rested on the back of his head. Erwin kissed along Levi’s jaw and Levi couldn’t stop the soft sigh that fell from his lips. Erwin pulled away after he gently licked Levi’s neck. “Thank you, Levi.” Erwin said quietly. Levi smiled in the darkness. He laid back down on Erwin’s chest. “It’s okay, this isn’t as bad as it seems. I might actually start sleeping in a bed more often if you’re prepared to stay safe.” Levi kissed Erwin’s chest.  
“I will, Levi. From now on, there’ll be no more secrets.” Erwin said as he rested his head against Levi’s.  
“Yeah no more secrets.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this, I really wanted to focus on Erwin's weaker side and have him be the vulnerable one instead of Levi for once. Like I said at the start this will only have one part but I'm going to release some longer ones soon hopefully, so keep on the look out for them.


End file.
